This is a humorous story based on a joke I was told while visiting St-Johns, Newfoundland, in the mid-90ies. If you do not have a sense of humour where Santa Claus or Christmas is concerned, please stop reading now, as this story will probably offend you. If not, I hope this makes you laugh as hard as it made me laugh, both then and when I recently wrote it out as a short story.
It was supposed
to be a happy time, and Santa had begun the day in a good mood, but as the day wore on, he began to wonder if he should not have simply stayed in bed... It was the eve of Christmas, and everything
was going wrong.
It all began when they had run out of coffee. Ordered to go on a weight-reduction diet by his doctor, the only remaining staple of his regular diet was his gourmet coffee, which he thought of as his final indulgence. He wasn’t even allowed to have the milk and cookies children would be leaving out for him later that day, and this was making him very short-tempered.
Distracted by an angel who’d stopped by to announce that they’d lost the Christmas tree in a sleigh accident, Mrs. Claus had burned his breakfast while searching for coffee beans in the root cellar. Then, as he was sipping his instant-ersatz and picking at his burned oatmeal, a group of elves barged in with a list of demands.
Because lead paint had been found in one of his outsourced toys, the board of directors had decided not to allow him to deliver any
of the toys from his largest supplier, who was now suing him for breech of contract. As a result, his elves had had to work double shifts and were complaining about not getting paid for all the overtime they had put in. If he didn’t give in to their demands, they would go on total strike and would not help load the sleigh. Negotiations had gone on most of the day, and they were quickly running out of time.
The reindeer had been sympathetic to the elves, particularly when Santa had ordered them
to load the sleigh, and began picketing in protest. Since it was a very cold day at the North Pole, they had been drinking to keep warm, and most were completely inebriated. They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners and getting arrested for DUI.
Santa was beside himself with anger.
"I can’t believe this!” he raged, "I've got millions of presents to deliver all over the world and all my reindeer are drunk and in jail, my elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! What am I going to do?".
Just then, a tiny angel opened the front door and stepped in from the cold, snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree many times his size.
"Yo, Big Guy,” he said, “whaddaya want I should do with this tree?”
And thus began the tradition of an angel perched atop the Christmas tree…