Deviation Actions
Literature Text
“Excuse me, are you Hunter Gaines?” the woman with the black full face helmet asked, walking towards him. Behind her was a black and gold motorcycle that seemed somewhat unusual, but he wasn't sure why.
About to get into his Ferrari, he stopped, holding the door open.
“Uh, yeah, who's asking?” The brilliant red car attracted a lot of attention, even in a city the size of Boston, however no one had ever approached him calling him by his name before. He fingered his key fob nervously, wondering if he could climb in and close the door before she attacked him.
She took off the helmet and held it by the chin guard, unfastening the front of her black leather jacket.
“I'm Chloe Fitzgerald, can we take a few minutes to talk? I'll buy you a coffee.”
He looked at the young woman dressed head to toe in thick black leather, leaving a lot to his imagination. She wasn't unattractive per se, her brown hair short and plain, but with her strong jaw and boyish looks she wasn't what he considered attention-worthy either. Maybe if she had bothered to wear makeup. On the other hand, she rode a motorcycle and carried herself with confidence, which led him to believe she would probably be good in bed. Besides, she looked like someone who was used to getting what she wanted, and he assumed that if he said no, she would come back at a less opportune moment.
They were in the parking lot of the Boston PD, and he had been about to go home. He had come in to give a statement about a shooting that had taken place in the courthouse yesterday afternoon.
“Just routine,” the policeman had said.
His lawyer had already driven off, and he had nothing more pressing to do, so he made up his mind. He checked his watch, gave her his best smile and said, “Make it a gin & tonic and I'd be happy to join you, Chloe.”
Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactSo after reading this I decided to look at your profile. Now that I know you what the story is about I feel comfortable giving you this critique. However I am only going to critique this as a scene and not a piece of a whole (how can you fix something if you don't know where to look?) Aside from vision since without the preconceived concept this scene is meaningless (since vignettes only hold meaning when the vision is in mind).
So here it is...
VISION: A Centuar in modern times. This seems to be the type of idea that has the potential to do two extremes: Be amazing, or be horrible. It's like a personal challenge one gives to themselves. I like that. Never be afraid to challenge yourself.
ORIGINALITY: This scene seems to have been repeated throughout stories. A rich man meets a femme fatale, she knows more about him than he wishes, but he obliges to her request.
TECHNIQUE: The actions interlaced with the dialogue work. You know they are doing and if they are saying it at the same time.
But the characters do need some work. From reading this scene this is what I have gathered:
Mr. Gaines - Rich. Fears he's going to be attacked, but goes with the woman because she wants to go on a walk, whom he is judging by looks.
Ms. Fitzgerald - Motorist. Knows Hunter's name.
I understand that when writing in third-person-limited or first-person you can't drop pieces of information about the other characters. That's what dialogue and actions are for. The other things we learn about her may not be true at all due to Hunter's assumptions by simply looking at her. Although mystery is nice you want to be careful when making a character single faceted.
The bike. I was going to say "Why does the bike look strange?" But I realized that not even Hunter knows why. This piece of the scene makes sense. Sometimes one does not know why something looks off.
The piece involving the Boston PD with the police officer speaking left me confused. I was not sure where this came from nor was I sure if it was something that Hunter was remembering or if it occurred at the same time. I don't even know the lawyer or if he was part of the same flashback and/or same occurrence.
The last line though I did find rather humorous, probably because when someone offers coffee it's early morn to midday, so requesting gin and tonic made me go, "Nice." And nod with a smile.
IMPACT: I was left confused in the end (with the lawyer and officer) but if I were to be blunt, I have read this type of dialogue so often I fear it will mesh with the others and be forgotten.
OVERALL: Obviously this has flaws, but it's not broken. What you have here is a story full of potential and judging by some of the dialogue you can definitely pull this off.
I wish you the best of luck, but more importantly I hope this helps.
Keep writing,
Regal Pinion